Welcome

Hi
I thought I would start this blog and join the clan of bloggers p
This is going to be my journey of life and home education. I cannot guarantee laughter, humour or excitement that other blogs seem to provide me at least.
What I can administer is an insight into me and my life, so some may find it remotely interesting, others may just give me a wide berth.
So what can i tell you about me???? Ok, i am nearing the age of no return, where life is supposed to begin, (not sure now with the Swine Flu pandemic), obsessive mother of three and a mad partner to Simon. My journey of life up to now has been varied and like a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs. So nothing different to you all so far.
I trained as a nurse and worked up the ranks until i became a manager. I hated it to be honest as nursing is not what it used to be,now full of legislation and red tape, the care of mankind seems to be placed on the back burner for many. Feeling very disheartend in 2001, I toddled off to University to study a degree in English and History. It was like being reborn, well ok maybe slight exaggeration there, but it was a great experience. Not only did I attain a degree in that time, i also got divorced, had a break down, inflicted ink onto my body , lost lots of weight, met some amazing friends, dyed my hair red, met my present partner, and got to wear the cap and gown.
Wow that was a brief glimpse!!
SO in 2004 i was offered a post as a home manager in a big nursing group, Yes i said NURSING,and this i did for a further year. I was intent to change the nursing structure, well in my homes anyway. hmmmm how wrong i was. After a year of 80 hour weeks near enough, my body and mind could take no more and decided to give me a dose of Hashimotos disease and anaemia. I could take noooo moreeeee.
It was the best thing and the worst really. Best because it enabled me to follow my purposes in life, (yes plural purposes, i have more than one) that being, my spiritual pathway and tutoring and watching my children blossom.
I have just stopped part time lecturing in, wait for it….. nursing, to teach my youngest at home and run the spiritual centre.
Yes life still has ups and downs but I am happy for what i have and what i have achieved. I am amazingly skint financially but rich in life . That could sound cheesy to some but i mean it!!
My reasons for home educating my youngest was not really to do with the education system but the realisation that I was missing so much. She had a rare tumour removed from her head in April of this year, life since then has never been the same. She requested to be home schooled and i thought, Why the hell not? Each day is a challenge of teaching, and working. I work every night in the centre plus monday morning and other days as required, during the day i assist ‘A’ and sort the paperwork.
Ok are you asleep yet??
Last but not least…… ” 2 dogs, 1 parrot and 1 fish. Hobbies are singing, writing, reading, being nosey into other peoples lives xx

so much for the positive thoughts..here comes the nag

Hmmmm i am finding this positivity lark a bit hard to adhere to presently. Two teenagers who have moods and opinions, as with all teens, that could drive me to the white van and straightjacket. My eldest is doing a degree and has already been given an extension on work so it has to be completed by monday ( thats tomorrow), so for the past week all i seem to have done is hound and nag. “Have you done the assignments yet?” ” You know if you did more of your assignments and less talking to all unsundry on facebook and your phone you would have completed them ages ago”
My nagging is greeted with grunts, eye rolls, tears, door slams, feet stamping and non sensical mumbles. It really hurts me to nag and is not good for my stress levels but there i go again… incessant nagging..I scream at myself inside to shut the hell up but still i go on. There i am…evolved into my own mother!!!! I know that my intensions are right and that i am not wrong with what i am saying but why do i feel like i have emotionally scarred her for nagging so?? Where is the bloody guide book for teenage moods and manipulative behaviour ?? There that is another thing… children are great at the manipulation game. The eyes, the body language, the stamping then the tears…. all put there for me to end up feeling like the worst mother that ever walked the earth, all the while their biological father cant be bothered to see them never mind care about their life and be the battering ram for their moods.
My son, has decided to quit college and join the RAF ( if he gets in) much to my dismay. I am terrified of him getting hurt and worse . He is still my baby and as much as he thinks he is all grown up and knows everything at the ripe old age of 16 years…. he is still so innocent and such a gentle lad. Argumentative though :s omg he can argue till i am blue and he still thinks he is right and i am the worst, unreasonable mother in the land. He has a lovely singing voice and i know he could go far if i had the money to support him getting there, but i dont and jobs are hard to get for a lad his age in the present climate.
I get so emotional thinking that my kids dont feel i love them or support them correctly due to my nagging but they couldnt be further from the truth. I have become cook, cleaner, laundry woman, taxiing, emotional target for moods and i suppose this is in the role of being a mother…. but sometimes i just wish they stood back and realised that I have a life and emotions too and i am certainly not invinsible to hurt.
Simon says i should step back and not let them speak how they do to me, let them start doing their own cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping etc but then i dont feel like i am being the caring parent especially when i see the sad faces stomping through the house cause Mother has not cooked tea or washed my clothes.
In all this my youngest seems to just get on with life herself. She never moans or groans, she talks incessantly but thats all really. It should be her getting the majority of my attention now as she is 10 and the others are 16 and 18, they had my attention at that age but poor A just seems to get whats left over when i am stressed and worn out with arguing.
OMG don’t i moan and go on? :/
I start work on Thursday night and really not looking forward to it but i know i need to earn a wage in order to not be so skint. I have never really understood some people when they tell you they have no money and things are tight yet they can go out and do nice things .. i cant, we buy cheap, never have holidays or days out, cant remember when i last bought myself some clothes. Things are really really tight and in a way it has been a positive learning curve for me…not for the older two kids though as they hate that i cant provide everything they want. They want, as all teens do, to look good infront of their friends. I feel guilt as my eldest has worked since she was 15 in order to buy herself clothes etc, and we have never done the nice mother daughter girly days or gone clothes shopping
Right I have to shake off this low ebb and think happy sweet thoughts…rainbows and dewdrops and whiskers on kittens, copper kettles and warm woollen mittens I wonder if MRS BEETON wrote a book of how to survive the teenage years with no grey hairs or insanity???

Jan 5th 2011

I am definately uninspiring… 5th jan and no exercise or healthy eating in action. :/
One positive is that I am going to take an offer of two nights a week of work nursing again, it is not the ideal but it will be a wage which is short of at the present.
Diet and exercise will DEFINATELY be setting off tomorrow with no excuses!!!!!

January 2nd 2011

I have just been reading through this blog after seemingly erasing it from my memory bank. Some things have altered and some have remained decidedly stagnant… but not anymore. Yay 2011 sees the new and improved proactive, optimistic woman who has aims, objectives and a wii fit board. So this woman will no longer be the author of a ‘unenlightening’ blog, she will ramble her daily activities for the full year, the highs and lows. It will be my own personal journal…… eat your heart out Adrian Mole aged 12 3/4 years!!!
So 2011 will herald the awakening of my journey of positiveness. For those who know me….i mean truly know the real me ( which is about 5 people), they know my previous pessimistic, self loathing traits …well… dadadaaaaaaaaaaaa ….. que the smoke and drums….. here is the 41 and a bit go getter .
Since 2009 i remain in a battle with the bulge but my goal is to hit target by May 1st, so i will quit the whinging and commence ZUMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa
A has returned to mainstream school since my last post, which was a low for me but a high at the same time as she felt well enough to return. She is loving it and as it was her sole decision, the transition was immensely smooth. So home edding presently fades into the distant but i am now registered as a childminder and have also updated my nursing pin sooooooooooooooooooooo back into the work place i go HI hOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Additionally I have joined forces with a talented lady and started designing and making girls clothes which we hope will bring in some pennies. It will be great if the venture takes off . It will be exciting anyway just trying to make it work
So apart from that, also my eldest has, and is having, a bad time emotionally and physically so this year is a year to see her grow in confidence and beat away the demons with a huge baton and physically get on the road to recovery. The doctor said it may be a long bumpy journey but i am sure with support and guidence she will get there. Go girl you can and will beat this
My middle one has two aspirations presently, the first is to leave college and concentrate on his music and the second is to join the RAF. I am desperately hoping that he changes his mind regarding the forces but if that is not to be then i will support him whatever he decides. He is wanting help with direction with his music so we are helping as much as we can. We are going to start with organising some local gigs and see how he fairs. He is chasing his dreams which is great and its taken me along time to reach that stage so i am so pleased he is chasing his at his tender age instead of waiting and then reflecting with ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only i had’.
Right it is 13.12pm and time for me to put my life into action………………………..

Reflection

Here is one of my inspirational moments of text

Symptomatic reflection making me sick within my core
Trodden footprints continue from whence I stood before
I look at the pictures of the time and meet a studded wall
I lay down screaming at my ignorance, but you never hear me call
Days and days, tick loudly by
Reminding me of each glimmer that has past
Through rose tinted spectacles I catch your eyes
The pain has returned once more casting shards in the skies
Do I spend another moment in the shadow of a lie?
Technicolour dreaming, spinning wildly in the wind
I lay beneath a mighty oak recharging my weary mind
I can no longer linger in this world feeling so unkind
To the ones that are no longer on the path I tred
I search for the belonging in this wilderness
Words left swirling ..unsaid
But the forest appears too dense and my feet entangle in the carnage
Of this lonely sphere.
So there I sit for all to see, smiling through this scene
As I stare backwards, seeing the footprints that had been.

Chocolate, eggs, hmm which came first????????????

Today it was easter Sunday, chocolate in abundance and happy children filling their faces. I have a confession though and i have no excuses albeit, I AM A CHOCOHOLIC!!!!!!!
I have arrived at this conclusion due to the fact that I bought all the eggs I needed and then secretly consumed three, one each night. I savoured each mouthful . I did not recieve any eggs from anyone today and I decided that it was because Karma had arrived upon my head. I did try to redeem myself, truly i did :/ I did a few toning up exercises today AND 10 minutes on the exercise bike. I thought my time on this earthly plane had come to an untimely end following it all, but alas, I am still here to tell the tale.
Other amazing, interesting news over the past few weeks, ermmmmmmmmmmmm not a great deal in the whole scheme of things. My father is still very confused, mother is still squealing at him, which is a talent that she has possessed for many many years now and one I never wish to inherit. My son has decided after hiring the solicitor and many hours of discussion, that he is to wait until he is 18, at least, before he goes to USA. I personally feel that his main sway was his need to be with his girlfriend. Yes it is his first true love encounter… he feels this is the one,,,,,, they will marry and live happily ever after, amen…. I remember saying that to my mum and then hearing her say ‘ I told you it would all end in tears’, as i sobbed endlessly due to being dumped by my first love. We all go through it, thats how Kleenex has stayed in business so long!! I could have become a trustee when I split from my ex husband, snot ran endlessly from my nostrils and my eyes stung for many a year, kleenex became a personal friend
Why do we place so much upon the shoulders of others? Why do we allow ourselves to become so wrapped up in the notion of what love is ‘supposed’ to be, that we actually lose the true meaning of the word? I am not really sure if i do understand the meaning of ‘love’ even now,, and i am nearly passed it
but I do feel that we lose the feelings of excitement, lust and spontaneity (spelling useless) and confuse this then with the feeling of lost love. To me Love is releasing the reins and letting the person live the life they wish too, it is then your decision whether you stay within the bounds of that relationship or walk away. Additionally i feel love is sharing laughter, good times and respecting the needs of the other. Respecting the needs does not mean you have to agree with them, but not to impose your own ideals just because you are in a relationship. You are two individuals sharing a pathway but the ultimate mistake, in my opinion, is that too many people feel the pathway means ownership. They feel it is correct to impose and command orders on their partners just because they share living accomodation. Boredom and loss of respect for your partner is due to the lack of ‘trying’ and assuming that the grass is greener on the other side. We look at other peoples lives and think that is what we lack, what we dont see is that what goes on behind the closed door. Every relationship is hard work in my opinion and sometimes we forget we are individual and try to place controlling tactics upon our partners. That is not a good thing. One thing I believe is essential within a relationship is romance, not sex or intimacy in a sexual way, just plain old fashioned romance. BUT remembering it is not just a woman thing, men like romance too……………….gee i sound like an agony aunt columist. Partnership.. both included, make time, bring back conversation, find the things you used to be attracted too initially. If after time and effort, and i do mean time and effort, not just a few days, that things are not improving then I feel people should learn to let go and walk away. It is certainly something that is extremely hard to do if there are still deep feelings there, and boy feelings can certainly run deep. We, in effect, should never have to spend time looking back at old relationships if we had worked hard to try to make it work in the first place and then only walking away after tackling it from all angles. We look back when things have been left unsaid or unresolved.
I am not talking about abusive relationships here though… I think it takes a great deal of courage to walk away from that sort of relationship and for many I would surmise that you look back over it many times even though you desperately dont want too.. these are memories that are hard to fade due to the mental and emotional scars.
Hmm don’t know where all that arrived from. Anyway, onto other aspects of life. Home education is going along well although I still have daily struggles of whether I am teaching her enough or correctly and whether she is benefiting from it. I have started letting her participate in the monday relaxation class that I run, and she is loving that I need to sit and formulate some kind of approach for topics she wants to do that will not cost anything on trips etc. She is enjoying caring for the ever growing zoo in the house and I have come to the conclusion that she is some kind of animal whisperer
That leads me onto..dont know how…but the increasing nightmare of my days..money. Problem is I do not have any. I work so hard or should i say, as hard as my stupid body enables me too, and still I get to the checkouts at Tescos and get my card declined. How embarrassing!!! Even more demoralising is that my 17year old had to pay as she had just been paid from work. I would like to earn money writing but have not a single clue how to go through the process of finding contracts etc, I wonder whether to take some shifts back lecturing or nursing but that would mean leaving A and I don’t want others to teach her.
I have to remain positive, cut down moreso on travelling about etc and come up with some money earning ideas in a proactive mindset yeeeharrr!!
Right to cheer up this post alittle I will add some pics

Spppprrrriiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg is here :)

Spring is here, hurray atlast ) Don’t you think your mood lifts and those around when the flowers begin to bloom and sun begins to shine?? There is just something about the season that makes all my problems and worries appear so less difficult to face. This week and last week i seem to have crammed so much into each day yet there is still so many things i have yet to sort, like a Mary Poppins bag of tricks.
On the home ed front A has learnt about Victorians, Bees, Gases, Hard materials, Converting fractions to decimals and visa versa, candle making, painted eggs, wet felting and she even fitted in some meditation classes . phew that was alot and i even forgot to include her daily research facts.
Health side she is still waiting results from the MRI that she had last Thursday, and yesterday we had a completely wasted journey to the childrens hospital to be told the results were not yet available grrrrrrr.
Worst still was we missed the home ed group for the 2nd week which was annoying as we do enjoy going there and we will miss next week too as my eldest is having a ecg fitted for an irregular heart rate.
oooooo my son and his band won battle of the bands last week too…hehe one very proud mummy
I just seem to be babbling on and on here??
The piggies are doing really well and are very very sweet spending their days eating, popcorning and sleeping… perfect life me thinks.
This weekend i have to sort lessons for next week, clean the house, sort the kitchen, update tax, poo pick the yard (that is a joyful job..NOT), clothes washing, clean the shop and get it ready for Mondays work, clean the car, and oh yes sort the garden and shed……… I am tired out already. Can i please order a cleaning fairy please?????? oh and i bottle of energy would be great
Right pic time

New day

Today has been a mixture of proactive thought but tainted by a call from the hospital. A is to have the MRI on Thursday under General. She is terrified and i am doing the positive mother thing of ‘come on it wont be so bad and over before you know it and next week we will have 2 lovely piggies to concentrate on, so you can dream of them while you having your treatment’
She gazed at me with a look of disbelief because she does know what is coming and it was the only test she never wanted repeated. Hopefully after the test she will get a reprieve and not have to go through it for a long time. Following this test, next Thursday she will be back to see the surgeon to see if they are going to attempt more surgery and then again 2 weeks after that we are back again to find out what affect the tumour will have on A for the next few months, years etc. I am positive it will all be fine, it is just the tests that i want to protect her from. I have never seen fear in her like i see in her eyes this time, and the words she says, ‘why me again mum?’ The only reply i can give is that she is better off than many many others and at least they are keeping a close eye on her so she is lucky. Inside i want to scoop her up and run, make life a fairy story and anything negative banished to the depths of oz.
To me she has been a tough cookie since she has spent more of her life in and out of hospital with heart problems and epilepsy and never complained or got upset. This time it seems to have got too much for her to emotionally contend with. But she is better than many and that is what we are going to focus on
Other news today is that me and A got really excited ripping open the packaging to the C&C caging Simon bought me for mummy day. This will house our piggies. We sat attempting, yes attempting to construct the frame, two storey 4ft by 2ft by 2ft lol. A was amused that she can lay in it like a den . Now we need to collect newspapers and some correx and lots of fleece blankets to create piggy hotel, of which i have advertised on freecycle, in return i have listed some unwanted items from the shed Then we have to find some beds and toys to complete the place.
Tomorrow is a day for spring clean and hopefully energy permitting, finish the wallpaper in the kitchen…only been doing it for over a month lol
OK i am blogging out tatar for now

Cheeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssse :)

Today was a productive day on the work front as i had four for my relaxation class followed by a treatment. It may not sound exceptional to some but a few is better than none at all. The day infolded with an educational visit to a cheese making farm. We were able to find out how cheese is made, watch the process, observe the milking, even feed chickens and collet eggs . A found it very interesting and informative and chatted all the way home about the work she wishes to do on the topic…. cheese making being one
And secondly she is going to create a crafty thankyou card to send to the lovely Davenports. It amazes me that there is so much in life that i have yet to learn about and discover, through my own child like vision. I gathered so much from the visit and found it enriching to my own life learning.

Other life learning lessons for myself especially are fundementally…..it gets dark when you do not have a torch,,,, it gets isolating when you don’t have a mobile phone,,, short walks can certainly seem a great deal longer than just another five minutes
Ok so i will enlighten you to my wisdom. Myself and a fellow insane woman embarked on the ‘lets get some exercise and take a walk’ scenario. Off we went on our epic adventure, all packed and prepared like model girl guides with water bottles at the ready. We stumbled over hills and valleys…ok slight exaggeration… we trudged over the fields scattered with astonished looking sheep trying to graze innocently. Their peace interrupted by the sound of our laughter, gasps of breath and determination. I found the stare of sheep quite menacing as we made our way deeper through the undergrowth
The brave H broke their menacing ways though as she approached one to make friendly chat… the sheep scampered away leaving my fearless friend to carry on the trek and me in the safe knowledge that we were atlast free of the sheep deathly glare.
The sound of a Susan began to ring in my ears as we walked over the mole hills and sheep droppings, ‘come see me……’, so i turned to my companion and asked if she was up for making the five minute walk to see her. With the journey confirmed we headed with gusto towards the direction of Susans abode.
As we crossed the main road,discussing decapitations,as you do , we strode onwards. My fellow walkers asked ‘Is that the house just at the end?’
‘No i laughed its just around the corner and up the road, about 5 minutes away’
The darkness by this time was beginning to draw in rather quickly catching me off guard. lol i never knew it could get so dark when you are in the middle of the wilderness. The biting wind began wailing around us, icy rain daintily began to fall, H began to slip on the mud…that neither of us could see.
The road was becoming like the road to neverland, it went on and on and on.
I know i will ring my other half and let him know to pick us up……yeah right…two women, freezing, muddy, no torch, no food, no money, NO PHONEs. I began to laugh rather hysterically and rather randomly, inside i was becoming increasingly worried that H would think she was walking in the middle of nowhere, heading for a house somewhere in the distance, with a complete nutter…………………….
No comments lol
So we get to the said Susans house, perished and muddy, knocked at the door…NO ANSWER…. we began to laugh as it would be a 20 minute walk to get back to the road and it was already getting late. Suddenly as if by magic a male face appeared somewhat fearfully at the door. Susan was not in.. her husband was. He smiled at these two, somewhat dishevelled females, and kindly allowed us to use his phone to seek rescue. He even lent us a torch for our journey back into the wilderness.
The story comes to a end as our rescue came and we jumped gratefully into the car…. in safe knowledge that I nearly wet myself from laughter and was so pleased for Tena lady

I am not how i appear

I dont know whether it is a good idea to write all my inner most thoughts on a blog that the world and his dog can see but for me i find writing this blog theraputic. It gives me a chance to take stock of life and record things that normally i would forget. For those that know me, they will comprehend the forgetful J, I would forget my own funeral
So a couple of days ago i recieved some correspondence indicating my forgetfulness had caused hurt and upset. It hurt me when i read it to think i had caused pain to someone else but then i realised that they obviously did not know me as if they did they would have known that I am not that kind of person. Forgetful oh yes, hurtful with intent..definately not!! They surmised information regarding my forgetfulness and concluded incorrectly my thoughtless actions. Oh well we live and learn. My lesson is get a diary and consult it daily and not to conclude people know me for the real me.
Other life experiences… I have gained 6 pound in weight YIKES, this is getting beyond a joke and all my own self indulgence and lack of motivation to exercise. But i say again….i will succeed.
Home ed is very productive this week already and its only Monday . Biology covered Muscles, others topics were The commonwealth, Maths, reading, ICT. Tomorrow will be a day of doctor visits, solicitors and then gardening. Yes Gardening… I will make my fingers turn green . Last year Katie produced some glorious crops which i consumed greedily so this year i would love to repay the kindness. Carrots Potatoes
Other exciting news for me anyway, I am getting two guinea pigs. I can’t wait, seriously i am so excited. I am going to keep the names that they have already been given and i am going to keep them indoors and treat them like queens lol. S says we will have a mini zoo soon hehe. The dog is moping around since the vet put him on a strict diet, poor thing is starving and looking at us all longing for some proper grub instead of hard core diet food.
What else can i say……………………………… Scotland is seeming so alluring at the present. I wish the lottery would come round to my turn so i could relocate to a small holding by the sea. J will be going, if all goes his way, to the USA, S will soon be off on her own life journeys and that leaves S, A and little old me. The isolation and beauty just calls to me but i wonder whether that would be fair to A. She has started to accumulate friends whom she enjoys spending time with, S has his business slowly slowly building and i just seem to be wandering aimlessly as a cloud. My parents still need me here and yet in my mothers mind i owe her my time and i am verbally chastised for everything i do in my life that she does not agree with. Anyway i wont get started on that one. I just think maybe i would be selfish if i went now.
LOL not that i can afford it anyway.

There is always time for embarrassing the children

I did a spot of felting today and decided to make an attempt at a person. It just seemed to appear as i stabbed the needle into the foam….such a great stress reliever
Well the product was to the mental distress of a 17 and 15 year old as mum created a naked lady.
J said i was seriously in need of medical help and was to report me for disturbing him lol. S comments were on the same lines too. Oh it felt soooo good… revenge is so sweet sometimes. I was egged on i have to say by my partner in crime ‘H,’ muwhahahahahahha.

There is something so theraputic about revenging teens!!

Life has been quite a blur lately but definately in a positive way, yes I did say positive. Home edding is still going well but if anyone says lesson planning and fitting it all in is easy then they need to tell me their secret. A is wanting to know more and more information about life than I can process but the faithful internet and array of books has certainly been a life saver. I would not want it any other way though.
She is making more friends at home ed group and enjoying the delights of taking part in a book club and also arranging a sleep over a some stage. World book day at the group went really well and i loved making a bookmark and I have met people that i hope stay in my life for a long time.
Katie, Christie, Sam and now Hazel are people i have gotton to know and admire all for differing reasons. They are all ‘mad as a box of frogs’ (words i have plagurised from someone ) ), and therefore i feel i fit in well with them. I just hope i dont allow my insecurities to impede on developing friendships.


The picture of the pens is for K as she LOVES pens..she really loves them…strokes them and talks to them. I dont think she has names for them yet though hehe. She is mad as a box of frogs….. I love that saying lol..i think i will adopt it for my positive thought for March.

Oooo my random part of the day was sat in the car with A in the driveway observing the house sparrows making nests. Oh i can tell you that we must have a flipping brothel going on in our eves as there seemed to be atleast 50 of them flying in all various parts of the house. A was in hysterics as my humour of putting vocalisation to two sparrows building their nest passed at least 20 minutes. I did male and female voice with bickering and conversation. It kept me totally amused lol and A on the continuing path that mother is indeed a fruit loop
Right so with over a 473 word count i am going to make me and my better half a cuppa. oh yes a refreshing cup of tea lol and a chocolate ball yummy yum yum..sod the diet till monday. hmmm how many mondays have i been starting this diet lark??? Ok Monday i will start along with exercise and dog walks.